Titled: “The first time…”
I was excited as I sat crossed leg on my bed. My back was straight, slowly I closed my eyes as I begin to focused on the first intake of air through the nose. I felt the rushing air touches the tip of my upper lip. It was the first time that I’m experimenting with meditation.
Two minutes into the routine, my mind begin to wander. “Did I do this correctly?” “Mm…must breathe slower” “Is it time to stop?” “Oh…that bl..dy John should have done it properly, now look at the predicament we’re in” . Then I remembered that I was supposed to be meditating on my breath. Quickly I brought the breath back to the inbreath and out breath. After 15 mins, I felt calm and relax ready to go into deeper side of meditation.
Suddenly, despite my eyes being closed, I realised the lights went off as I was in total blackness. A sudden fear gripped me as I spiral quickly through a dark opening directly below me. It went on and on spinning me as I went deeper and deeper and deeper. It don’t seem to have an ending. My heart beat went wild escalating to beyond 72 beats a minutes, beyond 100 beats a minute and I was anxious and scared. My heart begin to scream louder and louder until just as suddenly, my eyes opened.
Immediately, I was brought back to reality. I was in cold sweat and shaking. And I’ve forgotten completely that I’m supposed to be meditating. Anxiety was felt for the next few days for no reason at all as my mind run wild, slowly going into a depressive mood. On reflection, that must have been what most people had said about being warned not to meditate without the presence of experts.
Nevertheless, three years later after understanding calm and insight meditation, I realized that I was anxious because the mind has fled it’s stable. What we need is just a little mindfulness to bring us back to the present moment and to know how to acknowledge the sudden turn of event and allowing the event to pass. The experiment went wrong but I’ve survived to feel the ease and wonders of meditation.